Sean's SIDS story

In loving memory of Sean Paul

January 24 - February 19, 1987

This year, Sean would have turned 21. He died when he was just a few weeks old, and in his honor, this is his story:

My pregnancy with Sean was so easy. I barely gained weight, suffered no nausea or heartburn, and was able to slip into my pre-pregnancy clothes immediately after his birth. The picture at the left is me at his baby shower taken right before he was born.

He was delivered after 9 hours of labor on his due date by Dr. Turner. He was slightly jaundiced at birth, and had to stay in the hospital under the lights for a couple extra days. He was a good eater and sleeper, and was easy to care for.

On February 18th, he was a bit fussier than normal, and I couldn't find any reason why. After a few hours of crying, he finally fell asleep shortly before midnight. I slept hard, just 10 feet away, and woke up around 8 startled because I actually had slept through the night after weeks of sleep interruption.

I went over to his crib, wondering why he was so quiet. He was on his stomach snuggled in the corner, and when I touched him, my stomach seemed to drop to the floor because he felt hard and cold, like a plastic baby doll. When I lifted him out, his mouth formed a little "o," and the surrounding skin was a purplish-blue.

I tried a crude version of cpr, and his face softened and his color seemed to begin to return to normal I ran upstairs and screamed for my mom, who called 911, and they counted for her over the phone the rhythm for me to perform cpr.

I prayed silently for God to allow him to live, and at that point I didn't care if he'd have severe brain damage, I just wanted him back. It was a terrible, cruel few minutes where time seemed come to a stop and the entire universe froze except in that one room.

I'm fairly certain that the police and paramedics arrived quickly. They exchanged looks they entered, and took him from me. They told me that it was too late and there was nothing they could do. They left him on the floor, a tiny bundle covered with a little blanket, and I still remember feeling how it was just wrong to have a tiny baby like that on the cold floor. But they said he had to stay like that until they investigated and the coroner came.

At some point my sister arrived and drove me to Dr. Garrison's. I remember the drive, and feeling so numb that I couldn't quite get my brain to work. We entered his office, and the waiting room was filled with women, and my sister went up and spoke quietly to the receptionist. They ushered me back to an examining room to wait.

Dr. Garrison came in shortly. My sister told him what happened and asked him for sedatives for me, and he said, "no, because at some point, she'll have to stop them, and the pain will still be there." And then he opened his arms, lifted me into his lap like a father holding his little girl, and held me as I cried. (Dr. Garrison is such an amazing man, and I think everyone woman I've met from Virginia Beach has been to him at some point in her life ... and some men, too.)

I had no idea why my son had died. The autopsy showed he died of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). I had heard of it briefly before, but really didn't know much about it. They sent a detailed fact sheet from the medical examiners office, and that was my introduction to the facts of SIDS.

Basically, SIDS means every thing else has been ruled out and there is really no reason for the death. Though you may hear of some factors that seem to be present in SIDS cases, these factors do not cause SIDS, and neither can one prevent SIDS by avoiding all the factors.

My healing was slow and painful, but was helped by participating in SIDS support groups. But one thing that stood out in almost all of the support groups was this idea that the babies that died were now angels. I even built a website called Bonnie's Angel Images. I learned to use my software to transform the babies of grieving online friends into an angelic, winged cherubs (there's one of Sean below).

But, over the years, after reading the Bible, I've come to see that babies do not become angels after they die (angels are real and are separately created creatures) but I do believe children that die go immediately to Heaven.

The Bible says we've "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."* It says we're all capable of knowing and understanding the revelation God has given us.*

But little ones aren't capable of knowing and understanding the way adults can. There Bible suggests that God considers babies and children "innocent."* Listen to this ... "your little ones ... who this day have no knowledge of good or evil..."*And this one... "in that great city are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who do not know between their right and their left hand ..."*

God knows us intimately from the moment of conception. He says He "formed me from my inward parts, wove me in my mother's womb; my frame was not hidden from Him when I was made in secret... His eyes saw my unformed substance and in His book they were all written ...when as yet, there wasn't one of them."* Jesus said "it is not the will of your Father in Heaven that one of these little ones should perish."* Job cries out that he would have been better off to have died in the womb or shortly after birth, because then "if that were true, I would be in a place where there's no wickedness and where the weary are at rest!"* Jesus said we can't even go to the kingdom unless we become like a child and that the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.*

The Bible shares how David had a little son who was sick. While the child was ailing, David fasted and mourned, pleading with the Lord to save him. But once he died, David showered and ate, because he knew that one day he would "go to him."* .

So I believe Sean is already there in Heaven, and I believe I will join him, because --while I know that I am a sinner and deserve judgment-- I believe that God counts me as righteous, that is He looks upon me as though I'm sinless ... because I believe on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Each year, when we would celebrate Sean's birthday, I pull out his old photographs, and work on his web page here. It's my way of spending time with him. I can't help but to think what he would be doing if he not died. Maybe he would be in college, maybe even in love and considering marriage … But, instead, he is in the presence of the Lord where there is no suffering, no pain, and no sorrow… Because my hope is in the grace of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I know that I will one day see and know my child again in heaven.

If you are suffering the loss of someone you love, please know that you are not alone. I understand the aching arms, the loneliness, pain, and struggle. I care about you and God cares very much.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort them that are in any affliction, through the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." (2 Co 1:3,4)

--------- top --------

Government SIDS facts

American SIDS Institute

Titustwo.net is a private, family-owned ministry. We are conservative, evangelical,
non-denominational christians.

This
SIDS Families
Web Ring Site

is owned by

TitusTwo

The RingSurf SIDS Families Net Ring
is owned by Lydia.

[ Join Ring | Random Site | List Sites ]