Grace filled Home

We've all seen child-centered homes, where the parents may be asking their child to pleeeeaaassse stop. But many of us are taught that things should be done, because “I said so" or a parent-centered home.

But I prefer to focus instead on what “God wants us to do.” Note, it’s not “God doesn’t like when you ________”. I don't believe in teaching children that God is a God of rules who is angry at them when a rule is broken. I believe in teaching them of the God that saved you.

When we were still a sinner, Christ died for our sins. He desires us to ________ (love, be kind, be caring, forgiving, work hard, etc.). We can use words which show we are on the same side with our child, not against them. We are against the enemy. Not our child. We should let them know we are for them, that we are sinners who fall short too, and that we depend on the grace of Jesus, and that we strive to honor Him.

I’ve heard the argument that children need authority over them, and that authority is to be the parents. It’s true we are the immediate authority, but we need to remember and teach them that we - child and parent - are both under the authority of our Heavenly Father.

I don’t believe it’s ever too early to teach our children that we serve God and are to do everything for Him.

“from a babe you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” 2Ti 3:15

“And everything, whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him.” Col 3:17

So, how do we teach them? How does it work in a real day?

One popular book recommends nursing moms pull baby's hair if they bite. I realize that a biting baby is painful! But I disagree that an adult should react to their child by pulling hair, or encourage other moms to do it. When a baby bites (nursing or otherwise), simply look him in the eye, and give him a stern “NO!” That will normally startle him enough to help him learn to stop. You probably will react this way before you even think about it. You might also set him down, and then pick him up after a minute to give it another go. That is enough to stop the bad behavior (although you might have to repeat it a few times until he gets the message you’re serious. Be consistent.) But to train him in the way of the Lord, also tell him, “Biting hurts. God wants us to be kind.”

A similar reaction should be given to any kind of unkind behavior of any age: biting, hitting, fighting, etc. (And pulling hair) God doeswant us to be kind. He commands it, actually, and we should teach our children this as well as be kind ourselves. My children were able to memorize this by the time they were 3, by singing it to a slightly modified tune of 10 little Indians:

“be ye kind, one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake forgave you;" Ephesians 4:32.

Our children do not belong to us. They are not our personal property. They belong to the Lord.

“Behold, all souls are Mine. As the soul of the father, also the soul of the son, they are Mine.” Ezekial 18:4

We, as parents, are the stewards of our children. And we are to be good stewards… of our children, our home, our money, our bodies, our pets, our things… Everything. And this is actually is one of the best points to make to our children when teaching them in the way of life. It applies to eating healthy, learning to cook, doing dishes, cleaning the house, picking up toys, taking care of our pets… Teach your child that everything is a good gift of the Lord, and that we are to be good stewards of what He has given us.

This is what makes a difference in the lives of our children. To explain the ways and truth of the Lord to them. You may be able to see that the word “discipline” comes from the word “disciple.” These children that the Lord has given you are your disciples to teach the ways of the Lord. This comes from believing, living and teaching biblical truths.

Some claim that if you spank a lot at the beginning there is almost no need once the child is older. They claim that they spanked their children or they were spanked themselves and they turned out ‘fine.’ I believe they turned out fine “in spite of” rather than “because of.” I have an intelligent, kind, loyal friend who was raped by her father repeatedly throughout her childhood until she was a teen. I think everyone would agree she turned out “fine” in spite of the treatment she received, not because of it. I’d say the same is true of most children- no matter how children are raised: permissive, strict, abused, religious, etc - surprisingly, most of us turn out “fine.” Let’s credit the Lord, rather than any work.

So, anyway, I wonder why spanking is given so much credit in Christianity for being the thing responsible for turning out good kids? The way it’s explained, it’s often a “quick fix.” One website claims if you teach them to obey through spankings, then you don’t have to teach them anything else. You condition them like a pet, and then you can pretty much go along in life without your children being a source of frustration.

Why is the emphasis on spanking rather than on teaching the ways of the Lord? I believe it’s our expectations as parents and the teaching we do which makes the difference.

Place an appealing object where they can reach it, maybe in a “No-No” corner … When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm voice say, “No, don’t touch that.” Since they are already familiar with the word “No,” they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say, “No.” Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat with a little switch is enough… It may take several times, but if you are consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence.

First, I disagree that discipline and training are two different things. No where does the Bible suggest that training is the conditioning of children like pets when they’re little, but then disciple them when they’re older. The word used in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child” means “to discipline.” Jesus trained his disciples by teaching them His truth.

Anyway… honestly. Can anyone else see that if you tell a baby “no” and move them away from an object repeatedly for several times, that they will learn? Do you really believe it is contingent on the “switching” or is it the parent’s consistency in teaching the child what is acceptable? I believe it’s the parent’s diligence and patience that works, not the punishment.

And, in this case, this is a “because I said so” type of situation, not because God said so and that’s okay. In some cases, this is how it will be. But, whenever possible, we should point to what is required of us by Scripture.

COME WHEN I CALL YOU One father tells of his training sessions with each new toddler…The child of ten to twelve months is left alone to become deeply interested in a toy or some delightful object. From across the room or just inside another room, the father calls the child. If the child ignores the call, the father goes to him and explains the necessity of immediately coming when called, and then leads him through the steps of obedience by walking him over to the place from which he was called. He is returned to the toy and left alone long enough to again become engrossed. The father calls again. If the child ignores the call, the father gives additional explanation and a repeat of the practiced walk. The parent, having assured himself that the child understands what is expected of him, goes back to call again. This time if the child does not respond immediately, the father administers one or two swats with a switch and then continues the exercise until the child readily responds to his summons.

Again, is the key the switch?? I don't think so. The father could call the child, go to him, walk the child over to where he was called - continuing this until the child learns what it means to come. It will be successful without the switching. The switching isn’t the key, it’s the diligence and patience of the parent.

Raising and training children is hard work. Training them in the way of the Lord is even harder. There’s no quick and easy way to do it. Be focused on the Lord, and He will give you strength. And may all our homes be God-centered.